Going to have to face some demons this weekend. Demons of the childhood variety that has left unsightly and painful wounds on my psychology and my relationships. If anyone is there I need prayer, it is way bigger than me and I easily dip back into the 3 year old girl that experienced such confusion.
You see, some chose to forgo filling my "safety" bucket when I was tiny. And it is an area that I have spent the last two years allowing God to try to heal. Not sure if I have the courage to face those demons or fall into the trance of familiarity, stress, anxiety and depression. I always hope for something new, something better, something expressed and something deep in my exchanges with them but I am always left disappointed, misunderstood, and again depressed.
So I'll give it a go again. I should have finished the letters I started and mailed them in advance of the visit, but I didn't and I am counting on God to allow accountability. I am counting on God to open up the heavens and afford me the space and emotion to reveal to them that they owe me an apology.
You know if I could say just one thing to sum it up I would say this: "As a parent you are required to do everything you can to keep me safe. You don't even have to love me but you must keep me safe. You knowingly placed me in unsafe environments where bad things happened and you, yourselves inflicted a violence that was so out of line and curiously only on me as confirmed by the siblings. The mix of the two have left me......"
Oh well - I could go on and on and I should just save it for the letters. hmph...more work to do.
I thank you in advance God for your grace, freedom and healing for me and them. I should like to "Honor my parents." but I am having a hard time with that on account of the misplaced respect. Help me please.
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Less about sports, more about working it all out. Less about working out more about figuring it out. Less about my figure more about a chance....
3 comments:
I knew they were coming to you, because we will not be seeing them.
A few things crossed my mind as I read this. One, are you sure you were the only one of the siblings? Two, there was bad seeping from some places, places that the thought of still make my stomach churn. Someday when you feel like laying it on the table I'd listen. My prayers are with you.
I really feel like I need to tell you to open your heart without fear. You may, and in my opinion you do, deserve a heartfelt appology, but rememember they are but humans. They love, fully, deeply, madly. They were imperfect in ways that may haunt them. They may try to rationalize, to justify, as parents we sometimes do. We want to see the goodness. I want nothing more than to keep my children safe, but there are moments, moments that they are in God's hands alone. I must surrender them to his sovereignty. I am but human. They are but human, as are you. We ache, we fumble with words, we fail, we wish to do better. For you all I'm praying for strength, patience, empathy, deep emotional understanding and connection.
A song has just really been tossed at me. It was as if he just said, give her this...
Ok, it won't let me put it in the comments. So, I'll post in on my blog for you, come over...now it's a mystery! =)
I love you and I'll be praying.
Thank you. Yes that song was just right. I love that it is a prayer. Again I wept.
For clarity - some atrocities did impact at least one other sibling. And she has her own way of managing it. But the violence you may not have known about. It was my dad. I was a teenager - he was in mid-life and I was the anger management vehicle - only me though they (the sibs) were there on a few occasions. So add this to the stomach churning abuse and you begin to understand why 3000 miles away was not far enough. You begin to understand why there is a three hour minimum from my residence to theirs. It's hard to imagine - I know, Santa Claus and all and now the docile old guy with sweet caring and love for kiddies. Well all that only adds to the confusion. The first set up confusion very very early in life while the later dropped another load on top of it during those "formative" years. Needless to say men are quite the scary curiosity to me. Thank God for selecting jut the right one to love and care for me. Also of interest is that God chose two boys for me to care for - He knows what He's doing, right?
I so understand that as parents we mess all kinds of things up and I pray my own forgive me for my inadequacies when they grow up and even now. Just I I have the desire to do with my own. I believe this is one daunting step in that process and your words "open your heart without fear" are exactly what I needed.
Thank you for your prayers and our privacy. I covet both. So much love to you and all of yours!
Still praying...
Peace, understanding, joy
Again, I feel like I need to tell you... I had to work through my dad demons in a fast and furious way to make peace, to let go. I am still struggling with setting them all free. I loved my dad deeply. The man the world saw, and even you saw was a man that I feel I only got glimpses of. In his death others lent me their eyes to see him and I saw more. i understood more, I loved better. I mourned the man I didn't know well enough. I feel in some ways I missed so much. Don't waste time. Your feelings and burdens are justified and valid and God wants them. Let go, Let God. Open your heart to who the world sees now, see him through the eyes of the beautiful boys God gave you. Open it without fear of the past, the past has gone.
love to you...
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