ReSourceFULL

Friday morning God told me not to gloat and relish in the discomfort of the Source having been trumped. It was as if God said "I know it's natural for you, in your anger to be a little turd. But I love this boy and you treat him with dignity, missy." My morning trip to the Bucks held that thought and it saturated my morning so when the the Source walked into my office with a bit of egg on his face, I was visibly embarrassed. I wanted to show him respect but all I could muster was a couple of red cheeks and the feeling that he knew I was being corrected by God.

The decision as to whether the project was a "go" and whether or not we would get the resources was very close at hand, and it was looking really good. Even still, just the day before the project went from dead to life beyond expectation. And so while good at 8am with each hour that passed the odds get worse - if the wind blows all bets are off. The Source could very well be the deliverer of the news. After the obligatory exchange of chit and chat he got to it.

Trying hard to man-up while maintaining some level of ego he said he spoke to the construction guys and told them to make room for my new peeps. Not believing him and feeling the need to protect myself, I took the apathetic stance. "That will be great if it happens, whatever works!"

Essentially, I could not accept the positive decision from him and he could not accept the job of giving it to me. It's funny, really.

When he first showed up the previous Superboss sent The Source my way. Having shared a childhood of Catholicism and arriving in the foreign land of grace, previous Superboss knew we would have a lot to talk about. And so began a fun exchange and enjoyable working relationship. For the first year or two he was here, The Source shared frustrations while I shared exasperations. It was lovely. And then something changed.

Well for me it was only everything. God decided that me and my family experience a miracle. And through the miracle He would transform a bunch of hideous rocks in the garden of my mind and soul into lush, ready soil. It really had nothing to do with The Source but I suddenly found myself quite absorbed in something quite different.

With those changes, a different view of the Source's behavior emerged and I didn't like it very much. I experienced multiple examples of betrayal of trust. What was fun and frank, turned distorted and misused. No doubt I committed my own series of crimes, too. Either way I just so hated it when he was an asshole- uniformed, know it all. How's that for grace?

So I sit here on Monday, having decided that this blog would become not only my tithe but my fast and I have no formal decision. Doesn't matter though - there are more important things at stake. I can see right through my words here and into a new view of me and The Source. Both are deliciously busted and equally exquisite.

Maybe I'll get the real answer tomorrow.

Crazy God - you always freak me out...in a good way!

So, I get an alarming call related to the "weening and winning" project late yesterday. The superboss had been influenced by some "new" information from other sources. His concern was geared toward the costs associated to the resources need to take on the project. The discussion quickly led to the need to discuss further but was left with the understanding that the project was dead. And so a call was set for 2pm today. Thank you Papa for allowing the time to download your will into my very small brain.

Instead of a jump drive, He chose one unlikely fellow, the unassuming pitchman and a tiny-little, redheaded prophet to do His bidding. The Supreme Multi-tasker also went ahead and gave me a shot at reciprocating with the unlikely fellow in our little chat.

In that span of time, I complained about the sources who were against us. I played the victim, whining "there is so little value and even less understanding of the creative work and process." I asked my pitchman how he would respond. And I finally let go. The prophet prayed, Mr. Unlikley pontificated and Pitchman delivered with unthinkable wisdom.

So this morning, my God let me sleep in. I got to work around 7 leaving an hour before my first meeting coincidentally (or not) to work the internal strategy with our budding associate creative director. The hour was used by God to organize my thoughts into a talk sheet. The subsequent hours were used to define that internal strategy. With my Papa walking in front of me I headed to the room for our call...

Superboss, Mr. Unlikely and me began with Mr. Unlikely spilling his soda. Followed by the summary from Superboss ending with the question "why now?". I answered with "This call may be very short. The proposal stems from the request from previous superboss to provide an internal solution. We can wait until next year to do it." Superboss responded with a review of financials then and now and asked "Are we trying to get side by side learning, agency versus internal?"

"Well, we would not be getting a comparison as the agency is delivering one catalog for customer P while the internal would deliver a catalog for customer G." I answered. Ahhhh, a new understanding emerged and the questions kept coming. Mr. Unlikely explained on his bit and I on mine. With each question God provided a way. A way to inform versus whine, a way to explain versus complain and a door to understand without asking.

After a few math exercises, a short look at the year ahead and a brief assessment of the current team - a tentative decision was announced to permanently hire the four resources. The review of the decision would be discussed with Pitchman (currently on vacation) and the Source to confirm. Clearly, the organization is not in a place of adding peeps, in fact we have had to go the opposite direction. So this addition is precarious at the least. It is balanced by the need to get the learning from these catalogs/communications to our customers. I will find out tomorrow whether the decision is final.

So here I sit in awe of God...again. He told me these things over the past two weeks:
1. Get informed, slow down and wait to make decisions until you are fully informed.
2. Only MY plans are worth it and only MY plans work. No attempt of the enemy will win.

Check. Check. Copy that. Roger.Roger.

My wise Pitchman said just before he went on vacation "Humility is a great place to be. Honor God and use each gift to glorify Him." After the events of the day I have decided to take on one of my weird fasts. Usually I fast from Starbucks and my purpose is to hear God. Everytime I want a Starbucks, I turn my mind to Him. Today, I've decided that one of the ways I will honor and glorify Him is by sacrificing my time. Dedicating my time to praising him through these words I write. And so for the duration of this project. I dedicate these stolen moments to Him.

Good thing no one is here to read this little saga - it may get boring. But for my God, I will make the time to document His great work.

New Disclaimer: I am going to post even though I would prefer to edit for readability, style and understanding.

Divine Motivation

I have come out of agreement with arrogance before. Many times actually. Okay, on a regular, practically daily basis. It seems my God is giving me many opportunities to prove out my belief that He can free me from mself. BLAST, if I don't fail 9 out of 10 times.

Clearly He is serving up the chance for me to tackle the combo meal of arrogance AND self-control. I tend to take the one out of the ten times to pat myself on the back which rapidly turns to an "I've got it licked" attitude then I am smack in the middle of defeat all over again.

I feel him saying to me through a sweet smile "I've got a job for you, lady." I want the job. I really want the job. I want to feel His great pride and humility wash over me. I want a motivation that is pure. The words "glorify Him." Come to mind, and I wonder what that looks like.

It is a tricky business to fully use my gift of leadership and maintain the balance of restraint and humility. A worthy goal - but is it for me? Or for His glory? What was that bit about motivation, again?

Papa, you get to chose for me. Thank you for taking me on. Thank you for your forgiveness over and over again. My prayer to you today, is that you will nest in my motivation and expand your will in my heart. I pray that you free me of my own will, there I said it. I mean it, too. Let's kill my will and replace it with yours. I love you. In your sons name I pray these things.

I dare say...

I can't believe I used "alas" in the last post. I am a chronic Ninny indeed. I feel so spy-like being here. Farewell xanga and facebook I come here anonymous. Anonymity provides a freedom I rather fancy. I can speak freely of the God I am searching out and the mindfulness I seek, without the constraints of expectations.

This space will be all jumbled up with my praises, prayers and prose. And highly-likely a choice word or two. So I'll ask forgiveness and grace early on as this place is just for me. I've no intention to reveal myself though upon the unfortunate discovery of this blog, let it be said that I am a believer who is painfully inadequate.

Be warned, I am not handy with punctuation, nor grammer, or spelling. I am simply here to spill some thoughts. I may even practice my secret desire for self-restraint. Who knows? I may not come back for days. So manage your own expectations of me and I'll do the same.

Should've started with the disclaimers, eh?

weening and winning

And so it begins. I am officially on vacation. For three lazy days I get to sleep in - well past the exceedingly normal 4am. I get to paint all the trim I want and I get to wake up those miniature men using the tiny dog to walk on their heads. My love and I will stay up late talking about things only we understand and playfully order each other around in true Gordon Ramsey fashion. We’re in the shit, yes?

One thing though, I am having difficulty weening myself off of the smackberry. I woke up with thoughts of D’s spreadsheets and replies from advertising dancing in my head. The latter is one of the most significant coups in my five years with X. The thought of their responses from my email late yesterday had me positively giddy. In those five years I have had an unnatural desire to take our current, crap-infused catalog that boast over 300 products, bugs, dot-whacks and mandatories to a place that might actually give our organization a “leg up”. And I men that literally. For this group, “leg up” does NOT mean an advantage over the competition. No, to us it is the physical manifestation of deep pride in other peoples accomplishments.

I have long been an admirer of the talent-swell among the design team. A recent discovery of the well-hidden treasure in our copy department has me over the moon. To say nothing of the disciplined, mother-like care from production. Year after year, I have been hopeful to put an end to the tragedy that keeps these talents tucked away and at times drained of passion and life for the sake of tummy-meters and time constraints. Having experience compromise after disappointment in presenting our baby (the X brand that we have in our hearts and minds) to the X community - my faith that our most recent (and thorough, I might add) proposal to redesign the crapolog would have the same fate was - certain death. I have never been more certain that these people are well-equipped, nerves and all to take on the daunting, if not dubious and potentially X-changing project but the odds have been traditionally against us.

Then there’s God. It appears he has decided to give us a go. He chose this rather unassuming guy to be the pitchman and influence a brand spanking new outcome. That same guy, having a real good sense about what matters to people, had the good sense to ring me up and tell me that “we’re on”. It felt a lot like having our work chosen for world-wide recognition. The kind of recognition where you don’t have to give speeches and nobody knows what you look like or how to reach you. They just know your names and that you do what you say and you say what you do - and you do it really, really well. But I digress. After he promised that he wasn’t yanking my chain, I sent the team an email chock full of my excitement and waited.... After an hour of no responses I realized I sent the note after hours and would have to wait until morning to hear their replies.

So I snuck downstairs at 9:30am and peered around the corner hopeful of seeing that blinking, red, dingleberry light indicating new messages and I got nervous. What if i misjudged THEIR enthusiasm? What if it is really ME that desires to show off their gifts? What if gobs of women who dig gifts and dig God will miss out on the chance for a real live exchange between us? Alas the red light beckoned and I breathed ready to face the answers to those questions.

I stole away to the garage, feeling a bit sneaky to view the responses. It is best summed up by this one “Is it okay to be excited and a little scared at the same time?”. Admittedly I share that sentiment.

God, you are giving us a shot for your purposes. Thank you for trusting us - we don’t come close to deserving it. Be with us every second and direct our every move and word spoken. Protect us from the waiting obstacle and bring to us the ones you have chosen to help...quickly. In Jesus name, amen.