Hearing God - here and there

“She considers a field and buys it;
"wait and consider before buying Ninny"
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
“I am the vine Ninny - you are a branch.” Plant seeds to grow in yourself and others
She sets about her work vigorously;
“I am the vine Ninny - you are a branch.” Plant seeds to grow in yourself and others.
her arms are strong for her tasks.”
Ninny, I made you strong, your collarbone is bigger than most femurs. You survived much and you are resilient. Your arms are strong metaphorically and literally - now what are your tasks?

Proverbs 31:16-17

WorshipFULL

And so I started this blog as a sort of fast/praise/journey of this unique project for work and God/discovery process/documentation of events. It has been all of those things and more. It seems God used this to connect me to one I am to connect with and today my heart aches for this very one. In fact my heart has been aching for weeks for reasons both apparent and absent of cognitive understanding.

I have not had the God-filter I have grown accustomed to since our return from the Rockies. In that time the project which inspired this blog was pulled. At the hour in which it was being uploaded to print, the "client" decided it was too risky and pulled it. The after-effects for those involved has been very much like a grieving process. People put themselves, their heart, their gifts, their faith and their hope into this work. They gave up weekends, they sacrificed and without warning their work was abandoned and disrespected. Clearly, I felt the loss too. It is done and I am certain God has a very "good for all of us" reason behind the decision.

I was left evaluating my character - a challenge indeed when anger and hurt dominate the mind. I really wanted to project grace and rise above the negative into understanding and wisdom. Two weeks later I found myself ...still pissed. Two weeks and two days later, in my frustration and confusion and with His help I was able to break through to my God-filter. He showed me that the enemy wanted me to stay mad. The enemy wanted me to believe my character has not changed, that I may as well just accept murky thoughts and lack of focus. And God told me directly not to wait another minute. In the middle of my workout, I was told to take the authority Jesus gave us when he died to send Satan back to hell. To un-invite and demand satan be evacuated from my mind.

After I followed this direction - it was as if I could see the spirit of confusion take off "like a bat out of hell" and my body fell down and wept. I was able to commune again with my Jesus. I was able to feel his care. And that feeling of safety, concern and love made me feel like a child, like an asshole, like a failure and a success all at once. I felt forgiven...again.

Two weeks and three days later I am sad and tired. And sure enough God used someone that has made a home inside my soul to provide perspective. You know who you are and for whatever reason you are to know that I am with you. In fact I may need to make a trip on Friday, November 7th to see you.

Praises because when I am hurt, when I am angry, when I am hopeFULL, when I am sad, when I am joyFULL, when I am weak, when I am peaceFULL, when I am bitter - I will be faithFULL and praise HIM!!

Rocky Mountains

My husband's parents divorced when he was in the first grade. From what I understand his Dad was a school administrator and his Mom was a teacher. His Dad was cheating with his Secretary that his Mom often confided in at times. After the divorce Dad and secretary got married and have been together ever since. Mom remarried a former pastor from church and have been together ever since and even added a son to the brood.

Plenty of drama around custody lasted for years and as a result the boys (my husband is a twin) spent their life mainly with Mom. Every time the boys would leave for their 6 weeks in the Summer with Dad, Mom would cry. Boys hate to see their Mom cry. And so began the manipulation.

As they grew up the challenge to navigate everyone's needs became part of life. Because they spent most of their time with Mom, her feelings were projected onto and into them in many ways and their relationship with Dad was impacted. Often this parlays into rebellion and fights with Dad, but not for them. Instead it manifested into a strange distance between Father and sons.

To me the relationship with their Dad appears kind of awkward and uncomfortable.

Over our marriage both sets of parents have been supportive and kind to us. Both have helped us and cared for us. Both sets are "Christian" and like all of us, do their best to be the people God wants them to be. But their efforts are cloaked with messages of either "I'm a victim - take my side" or "It's her fault because she is so controlling and she gives us no grace or peace." Bitterness is as clear as day to me. And most times when we see them some manifestation of these messages come through in dialog.

Our recent trip to Colorado was no different, but this time it hit a nerve in MY marriage.

While doing my best to find peace in our 4-day "vacation" with Father in law and Step-Mother In-Law in Colorado, I was presented with the traditional dissertation about why my Mother In- Law is evil. Let's give them names. Father-In-Law will be Earl, Step, Mother-In-Law will be Shannon, Mother, In-Law will be Maggie and Step, Father-In-Law will be Dave.

I am going to stop now and write more later on the events later. My love and I decided we need to pray and talk some, first.

When I found out I was pregnant I told him I had no interest in getting married. I told him I would move to Europe and no one in his family would ever have to know but I was having this baby and I was happy about it. I told him that there was no alternative. I knew that if I aborted this baby that I would burn in hell and I told him so. God forgave me once but this life is His and mine.

He has since told me it was at that point that he KNEW he loved me. After our son was born I said "don't even think about asking me until he is at least 6 months old." So on Christmas eve, when our son was only 3 months old he sat me on the couch and began talking, trying to convince me that he wanted to marry me not because we have this perfect boy but because.... I drifted into meditation at that point.

I began repeating a simple plea (at the time I didn't realize I was praying) "Answer for me. Answer for me. Answer for me. Answer for me. Answer for me. Answer for me. Answer for me. Answer for me. Answer for me. Answer for me. Answer for me. Answer for me. Answer for me. Answer for me. Answer for me. Answer for me. Answer for me. Answer for me. Answer for me. Answer for me. Answer for me. Answer for me. Answer for me. Answer for me. Answer for me. Answer ..." his pause indicated a response was required and to my dismay I said "yes". I said "yes" to the boy I was certain I would not marry. I said yes to the man I wasn't sure I loved. I figured I could back out but by January we were head to Columbus with our new baby and a wad of cash for a ring.

We went to pawn shops and mall jewelry stores in the sketchy parts of town. If I was going to do this I wanted a ring with character and perhaps a great story to go along. We found something really sparkly at the mall and I was hooked. I figured I could still back out, it wasn't like he took a loan out or anything. Anyway, he was getting more and more attractive to me for some odd reason. He didn't feel the need to try to fit into my family. Instead he chose to listen. I was so falling in love.

We chose April 21st because our son would be a full fledged 6 months old by then. I had no interest in the whole tradition or cultural norms. Frankly, by March I decided that I had fallen madly, deeply in love with this brilliant and magnificent man and wanted this exchange to be just for and between us. I wanted it to be our very own - no guests just his step-dad/former pastor making it legit.

Well, my rents, his rents, his grand-rents and his twin were not pleased with that idea. So I acquiesced...to some degree. I asked my sister, Esther if she would be my main lady (whatever it's called) and my soul sister, Nik to be the other chick. When they asked what they should wear I said "I don't care - be comfortable." My rents came to St. Louis for the event which was when I bought some candles for the patio. I made my Love and his twin move a tree in the backyard - more for kicks (to see if they would actually do it.) than anything.

My Aunt Gelly insisted that I have flowers and gave my mom the cash. I told her I could use the cash - but mom insisted that she have a picture to show Aunt Gelly. So I took the loot, went to the grocery store and purchased the closest thing to weeds I could find. My lil sis tried to insist that I wear some blue garter thing to which I relied "I will wear nothing under this dress and that is final."

We got a tiny tuxedo for our large-headed fella and next thing I know I am asking Esther to properly apply a false eyelash while I drink a glass of champagne. A few moments later I headed up the patio walkway with dad and the jig was up. Only about 15 or 20 people there - Baal couldn't make it. I fought back tears as I looked at my handsome King. When the big show was over, we took our boy and walked back down that patio together as a family. The family God chose to be together.

When I think back I understand that our first son was mandatory. Not to only save me, but to save us and not just to save but to do some remarkable work for God. God needs this boy. And when I think about the last 9 and a half years with my husband I think I was a toad. I have found everyday with him to be nothing I'd imagined and a thousand times more than I had ever hoped for myself. I am certain without any doubt that my Papa selected us for each other. I have more than I could ever need, want, or desire in this man. When He answered for me, he showered a blessing on me that I am still in awe of and still utterly undeserving of. My respect for my husband only grows and my shock in what God can do lingers to this day.

Papa we are close to celebrating a decade of joy. Thank you for this life. Thank you for these men that you gave me to fill in my heart. Thank you for proving you are real through them. Thank you for allowing me to experience joy. Please make a way for us to spend our anniversary in Italy. We want to see the image of your finger touching Adam's on that great ceiling. I know it is frivolous, I know that there is no way we can conjure up nine grand in 6 months - but I know you can. I know this is our desire and it's a silly request even. But when E, the man who hates to fly, said "I want to go to Europe for our anniversary." it was too out of character for You not to be in it. And so if you are in it and if you so chose, make a way.

I love you Papa. Thank you for a week of rest. Please help me get back to work with a crown of wisdom and understanding. Help me to wait, to be informed and to represent you in all I do. In your Son's precious name I pray! Amen.

Doomtastic to Bombastic - or Beauty from Ashes

I never imagined that I would get to be the recipient of something so remarkable. My eldest sister (we'll call her Esther), a pretty decent Catholic from my view anyway, was selected from everyone I know by God. he chose her to bring me wisdom and guidance. I called her after making the same mistake (AGAIN) of calling my other sister (we'll call her Baal) to inform of my impending doomtastic weekend encounter.

Baal speaks through the spirit of confusion, apathy, and the mystical. My discussion with her yielded only fervent prayer on her behalf that she be free from herself. Oh and it also yielded familiar frustration. So after the call, I told my Love and he said "Yeah - I would probably always call Esther first, if I were you". Agreed. Well, better late than early, I guess - so I went ahead and placed that call to Esther.

I read to her what I wanted to say to the parents. And when I was finished she spoke with such care for me and for them "You know, some people change and some don't. You may want to think about maybe talking to him first. Plus you'll get the easy one done first." or something like that. then she went on to say something like " I am not so sure you will believe it if she is sincere - I am not sure she is capable of facing this - ever."

Almost immediately my paradigm shifted. "Yeah maybe your right - I am not even sure if I am brave enough to face this anyway. So if I am it's probably good to build confidence where I already know there is a willingness." We said our goodbye's and I went to bed. The next day, when I got home from work (I took the long way home - by route of a park where I stopped to pray), the mother was in the yard waving. That same old dread welled up in me and I went into that trance-like state of survival.

She "had to eat" and so we quickly got everyone in the car to go somewhere that we knew would be fast - not good - but fast. As we dined I could feel the web of manipulation choking me. I looked over at the table with a family praying and I as jealous. When I put my head down to pray silently, I couldn't. It was evil prohibiting my communion with God. Now I am not saying SHE is evil but the spirit(s) within her is what I battle. Anyway, when I got home I called my coach. My coach is a prophet, teacher, prayer warrior, therapist and all around super smart, cool chick. And she is also my closest friend. She has been working with me for a little less than 2 years on the healing process.

Coach listened to me about dinner and with no knowledge of my sisters insights she said "Here is what I know. First and foremost, you are to let the Holy Spirit lead your conversation. Second, your Love (husband) is to take authority in Christ and for his home to bind all spirits that are NOT of God. Those spirits may not speak or manifest in any way. Third, you are not to have the discussion with your mom. The timing is wrong. God desires her and if you had the conversation now it may risk the work He wants to do in her. And, you will be further wounded. You ARE however to speak with your Dad. He is ready and you are ready to receive whatever he has to offer. It may not look like you expect - but it will be good. This entire weekend will be good. I know it."

Interesting that she confirmed what my sister said. And sure enough the opportunity presented itself later that night. The mother finally went to bed and I suggested that my dad and I sit on the deck. We talked for hours. Neither of us broke down, we faced so many things it is hard to even remember all of them. It was nothing like what I expected. It was hard, but we were both brave. I was reminded that we each experience things through different filters, that we remember things differently (even if we have witnesses!) and that our words and our actions must be carefully chosen in every situation. I forgave him in advance of him asking for it, because my God was calling me to do so and I told him such. We agreed we knew very little about one another. We agreed that this may help us to change that and I thanked him for this chance. We faced some really hard things, safety, trust, self-control and on and on.

One of the things he shared confirmed what I knew in my heart and what Esther said on the phone. He said "I don't believe you will ever have the chance to discuss this with mom." The words did not sting even a little bit. I knew it and those words told a new story. They meant that I would have to further adjust my paradigm with mom. I would need to allow grace and compassion to overcome disappointment and betrayal.

One really cool thing was when I spoke to Esther she asked my to make a request on her behalf if I had the chance "Ask him why he can't come over for dinner alone? Why does she always have to be with him." I told him and he gave reasoning (excuses) and I told him again. I told him that he doesn't know us and that he gets to choose if he wants to. If he wanted to he could figure out a way. He finally said "I didn't know and now that I do I will make a concerted effort to do that." He even came up with a strategy.

At 2am after holding it for an hour I said "I have to use the bathroom. Let's go inside." When I came out he was already upstairs going to bed and I was glad we didn't have to do any cliche hugging stuff. I went to bed, bound those spirits and thanked God for this work. The rest of the weekend was fine. I resolved to try to figure out how to love mom. The more I thought about the experience with my dad the more I thought about Esther. I remember times when i have been used by God and I remember how profound and meaningful it was for me. I remember feeling honored that He chose me. I recall the thrill that He trusted me. Esther needed to know that she impacted history by allowing God to use her.

I called her after they left told her those things and thanked her for her counsel. Beauty from ashes.

To the sole knower of this blog I am so deeply moved and grateful for the care and prayer and confidences that your have honored me with this week. From the start, the song and the words and they prayer allowed room for strength and courage that I wasn't convinced I had. Thank you and thank you infinity. I love you very much and love to yours as well. May you be abundantly blessed for your free giving to me. And one more thing - who sings that song and what is it? Must have - stat!

Thanks Papa for all of this I love you.

Going to have to face some demons this weekend. Demons of the childhood variety that has left unsightly and painful wounds on my psychology and my relationships. If anyone is there I need prayer, it is way bigger than me and I easily dip back into the 3 year old girl that experienced such confusion.

You see, some chose to forgo filling my "safety" bucket when I was tiny. And it is an area that I have spent the last two years allowing God to try to heal. Not sure if I have the courage to face those demons or fall into the trance of familiarity, stress, anxiety and depression. I always hope for something new, something better, something expressed and something deep in my exchanges with them but I am always left disappointed, misunderstood, and again depressed.

So I'll give it a go again. I should have finished the letters I started and mailed them in advance of the visit, but I didn't and I am counting on God to allow accountability. I am counting on God to open up the heavens and afford me the space and emotion to reveal to them that they owe me an apology.

You know if I could say just one thing to sum it up I would say this: "As a parent you are required to do everything you can to keep me safe. You don't even have to love me but you must keep me safe. You knowingly placed me in unsafe environments where bad things happened and you, yourselves inflicted a violence that was so out of line and curiously only on me as confirmed by the siblings. The mix of the two have left me......"

Oh well - I could go on and on and I should just save it for the letters. hmph...more work to do.

I thank you in advance God for your grace, freedom and healing for me and them. I should like to "Honor my parents." but I am having a hard time with that on account of the misplaced respect. Help me please.

Gobbelly Gook

Ok here it is my Papa - it's all yours, the good, the bad, the ugly & disgruntled and the excitement spilling out all over the place.

The last week has been brimming with extremes. From thrilling new discoveries and hidden talents revealed in the "weening and winning" project to utter disappointment with the lack of needed gifts in another super-sized project. The days, evenings, early mornings and weekend have absorbed my energy but not my enthusiasm. Strange and interesting how you give me both all mixed in together. Despair and victory all in one bite. Do you do that because I get too juiced about the good and end up losing self-control? Do you drop the load of steaming poo on my brain to balance the explosive sunshine and daisies? Well, either way, I appreciate it. I am glad you do it.

It gives some slant to the great to have the gooey stinking up the sidelines of my mind, and I believe it is necessary.

I got so excited today about the reactions to the creative strategy for Weening and Winning project that I showed the Source some comps and samples. Given my trust meter on him is somewhere in the bowels of the negative, it was a dumb move. Stinkin' self control! I expressed my regret to the Source indicating a lack of trust in his ability to keep the work quiet and as expected it was met with no response. No response, as expected. So I blew it ... again on multiple levels.

Later, feeding off of the energy of the great feedback on the strategy from others, I got myself all happy again. Then I got one of the best samples of 6th grade chick on chick conflict ever. It would have been a lot cooler if the chicks were 11. Instead these women, ages 26 - 39 have engaged in an emotional, bitchy and complex, little, battle of manipulation and I may have to moderate. One of them thought it would be a good idea to "keep me informed". May I just say that until I digress back to 12 years old, change my name to Ashley and grow angel wings from my butt - I do NOT wish to get anywhere near this type of conflict.


Ahhh it is so nice to be able to say these things freely. While this space is to commune with my God, I feel it only appropriate to call out what He already knows. The understanding of this forming relationship with Him is liberating in the purest sense. I understand now, that while He is indeed aware of my iniquities, He is also aware of my good stuff too. And then of course, He is aware of well- everything which makes it easier to be honest about my frustrations on account of it is not anything He didn't expect or already know. Sounds babbly - but it's mind-expansion to me.

I mentioned a similar idea to "mind-expansion' to someone today and I would just like to give credit in writing to Big Daddy for it. See, over the last year and a half, God has lifted a veil that limited my point of view on topics from career, work, family, childhood experiences, business, God, the Holy Spirit, The Father, my kids, my husband, and so on and so on. My new view affords wisdom and understanding a better chance to exist in me. Thanks Dad!


A garbled mess this one - but I love and thank you Jesus for the work you have invested in me. And thank you for divine inspiration of the advertising team, for preparing the hearts and minds of the clients to receive your work and ultimately for the joy of victory that rightly belongs to you. Thank you so much for these exquisite gifts that I am so not worth receiving!
I love you.