I am really...really tired.
I don't know how to respond to people when they say something nice or thank me to my face. I wish they wouldn't do that - I get all awkward and fumble with my words and my face. It isn't that I have this problem on a regular basis or anything - and I know I sound like an ingrate and all, but ewwwww. This week I've been responding with "NO THANK YOU!" or "BACKATCHA!" those are getting old and trite. This week, I sorta want to say "Of course, we both know it is so all God and how he connects all of us." but that is a little too - I dunno - long. I want to "Give God all Glory." without sounding like Ernest Angely or Billy Graham. I want to say "I appreciate that you are taking time to think of me and say something nice and it belongs to Big Daddy. So I'm just gonna go somewhere and give him your words..k-bye. (and quickly flee)" but then people could perceive that as being "off" or perhaps "crazy".
It isn't that I don't want to be appreciated, I just want it either behind my back and to hear of it as second-hand news.
I have one friend who gets it. I am so grateful for her appreciation of snail mail and postage. One word in the mail is worth a jillion to my face.
Nice problem to have. It has been a long week and my time alone in the quiet is now over. My fellas have returned from dinner.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Sunday, July 24, 2011
I have espoused many, many, MANY stupid things in my life but I have two favorites and the second happened today - I'll drop them both for posterity.
1. A year ago, My Dr. was checking/talking to me about my family history for breast cancer. I shared that my aunt had it. He asked "which side?"
I replied "Oh! I don't know she never said!"
His perfectly generous and deadpan response: "Fathers? or Mother's?"
I like to think of a doctors lounge, where they try to one-up each other with the dumbass things people respond or say to them. Perhaps I have a dubious award in that lounge and there is a martini named after me.
2. Today, while having lunch with my mother-in-law, who we haven't seen since last summer, I asked "so hows Grandma?"
I was asking about her mom who died in the Spring. It wasn't just any old forgettable, Spring day that she died. It was my birthday.
I wish my mother-in-law was funnier and would have quipped back with something marvelous - it was such a missed opportunity. Instead she showed so much grace bailing me out with a story of how she had done something similar. What I wouldn't give for a zinger response. Got any?
1. A year ago, My Dr. was checking/talking to me about my family history for breast cancer. I shared that my aunt had it. He asked "which side?"
I replied "Oh! I don't know she never said!"
His perfectly generous and deadpan response: "Fathers? or Mother's?"
I like to think of a doctors lounge, where they try to one-up each other with the dumbass things people respond or say to them. Perhaps I have a dubious award in that lounge and there is a martini named after me.
2. Today, while having lunch with my mother-in-law, who we haven't seen since last summer, I asked "so hows Grandma?"
I was asking about her mom who died in the Spring. It wasn't just any old forgettable, Spring day that she died. It was my birthday.
I wish my mother-in-law was funnier and would have quipped back with something marvelous - it was such a missed opportunity. Instead she showed so much grace bailing me out with a story of how she had done something similar. What I wouldn't give for a zinger response. Got any?
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Fast of the past
I started writing letters to Big Daddy each day beginning January 1, 2010. Based on the last little journal I found, I stopped on August 10, 2010.
August 10, 2011 will be the start of something different at work, maybe elsewhere...
Dear Passengers and Airlines...unfinished
The Rules: passengers
1. Do NOT be a loud talker. Check yourself. Do you hear only your voice?
2. Never put your seat back. Notice there are a total of 16 inches between our heads? I WILL put something gross on the crest of your bald spot.
3. Don't use BOTH arm rest. Everyone only gets ONE. If anyone should get two it is the one in the middle sandwiched between the morbidly obese Hoarder and the BO guy.
4. Use deoderant (why does that word always come up as spelled wrong, with no good explanation?)
5. Don't talk to me.
I sound miserable because I am. This is an introverts nightmare – very good reason for going to the grocery at midnight and catching the red-eye.
The Rules: airlines
1. Offer Dominos pizza and KFC
2. If I pay for luggage, I should get something else...like a luggage tag.
3. Surprise me.
4. Don't make planes with reclining seats unless there is significant room (I should NEVER smell another grown person's follicles).
1. Do NOT be a loud talker. Check yourself. Do you hear only your voice?
2. Never put your seat back. Notice there are a total of 16 inches between our heads? I WILL put something gross on the crest of your bald spot.
3. Don't use BOTH arm rest. Everyone only gets ONE. If anyone should get two it is the one in the middle sandwiched between the morbidly obese Hoarder and the BO guy.
4. Use deoderant (why does that word always come up as spelled wrong, with no good explanation?)
5. Don't talk to me.
I sound miserable because I am. This is an introverts nightmare – very good reason for going to the grocery at midnight and catching the red-eye.
The Rules: airlines
1. Offer Dominos pizza and KFC
2. If I pay for luggage, I should get something else...like a luggage tag.
3. Surprise me.
4. Don't make planes with reclining seats unless there is significant room (I should NEVER smell another grown person's follicles).
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Writing Old School
So I have taken on a sort of fast since October and officially on a daily basis since January 1, 2010. The "fast" is writing letters to Papa, old school writing with an actual pen or colorful marker. Each morning I get up around 4 or 5 and read two or three devotions then I write to God.
I was thinking I wold post some of those things here. I may think better of it as it's all exposy and stuff.
Today I want to say I am thinking of Finding Joy In The Journey and Love Is Not Against The Law.
My cup is very full and it has stickers and barrettes on it. I like my cup.
This has been a extra tough week. God told me to die, to surrender everything, to sell everything give it to the poor and follow him. He told me three times this week those same things. I am struggling with the idea of giving up EVERYTHING. I tried to think about not having my husband and boys and I wept. I tried to think of not having my cozy big bed and I got angry.
So I am having a garage sale - big obnoxious garage sale with signage, departments and fitting room. I will give have the cash to the poor and buy another bed for the prophets who will come to stay with us.
I have also been fasting from alcohol. That one has been more challenging than I expected. I am not a big drinker or anything maybe 2 or 3 glasses of wine a month. All of a sudden I am craving Frangelico and Godiva chocolate liqueur. I got a bottle of Frangelico, it is in the shape of a monk. I think he and Mrs. Butterworth should hook up. Or maybe Mrs. Buttorworth is really Mister Frangelico in drag. Anyway - that cocktail sure sounds yummy.
I am also fasting from shopping. I actually really have a problem with shopping. It is my favorite thing to do and has been my whole life. Don't really understand where that desire comes from and why it can't be quenched. So I am offering it up and praying that God replace that desire with something He wants.
So far He wants me to die to myself - to mourn, to find the joy in despair, and to fully trust Him when it is utterly unpractical. Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds. James 1:1
There it is .. an entry.
I was thinking I wold post some of those things here. I may think better of it as it's all exposy and stuff.
Today I want to say I am thinking of Finding Joy In The Journey and Love Is Not Against The Law.
My cup is very full and it has stickers and barrettes on it. I like my cup.
This has been a extra tough week. God told me to die, to surrender everything, to sell everything give it to the poor and follow him. He told me three times this week those same things. I am struggling with the idea of giving up EVERYTHING. I tried to think about not having my husband and boys and I wept. I tried to think of not having my cozy big bed and I got angry.
So I am having a garage sale - big obnoxious garage sale with signage, departments and fitting room. I will give have the cash to the poor and buy another bed for the prophets who will come to stay with us.
I have also been fasting from alcohol. That one has been more challenging than I expected. I am not a big drinker or anything maybe 2 or 3 glasses of wine a month. All of a sudden I am craving Frangelico and Godiva chocolate liqueur. I got a bottle of Frangelico, it is in the shape of a monk. I think he and Mrs. Butterworth should hook up. Or maybe Mrs. Buttorworth is really Mister Frangelico in drag. Anyway - that cocktail sure sounds yummy.
I am also fasting from shopping. I actually really have a problem with shopping. It is my favorite thing to do and has been my whole life. Don't really understand where that desire comes from and why it can't be quenched. So I am offering it up and praying that God replace that desire with something He wants.
So far He wants me to die to myself - to mourn, to find the joy in despair, and to fully trust Him when it is utterly unpractical. Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds. James 1:1
There it is .. an entry.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Hearing God - here and there
“She considers a field and buys it;
"wait and consider before buying Ninny"
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
“I am the vine Ninny - you are a branch.” Plant seeds to grow in yourself and others
She sets about her work vigorously;
“I am the vine Ninny - you are a branch.” Plant seeds to grow in yourself and others.
her arms are strong for her tasks.”
Ninny, I made you strong, your collarbone is bigger than most femurs. You survived much and you are resilient. Your arms are strong metaphorically and literally - now what are your tasks?
Proverbs 31:16-17
Saturday, November 1, 2008
WorshipFULL
And so I started this blog as a sort of fast/praise/journey of this unique project for work and God/discovery process/documentation of events. It has been all of those things and more. It seems God used this to connect me to one I am to connect with and today my heart aches for this very one. In fact my heart has been aching for weeks for reasons both apparent and absent of cognitive understanding.
I have not had the God-filter I have grown accustomed to since our return from the Rockies. In that time the project which inspired this blog was pulled. At the hour in which it was being uploaded to print, the "client" decided it was too risky and pulled it. The after-effects for those involved has been very much like a grieving process. People put themselves, their heart, their gifts, their faith and their hope into this work. They gave up weekends, they sacrificed and without warning their work was abandoned and disrespected. Clearly, I felt the loss too. It is done and I am certain God has a very "good for all of us" reason behind the decision.
I was left evaluating my character - a challenge indeed when anger and hurt dominate the mind. I really wanted to project grace and rise above the negative into understanding and wisdom. Two weeks later I found myself ...still pissed. Two weeks and two days later, in my frustration and confusion and with His help I was able to break through to my God-filter. He showed me that the enemy wanted me to stay mad. The enemy wanted me to believe my character has not changed, that I may as well just accept murky thoughts and lack of focus. And God told me directly not to wait another minute. In the middle of my workout, I was told to take the authority Jesus gave us when he died to send Satan back to hell. To un-invite and demand satan be evacuated from my mind.
After I followed this direction - it was as if I could see the spirit of confusion take off "like a bat out of hell" and my body fell down and wept. I was able to commune again with my Jesus. I was able to feel his care. And that feeling of safety, concern and love made me feel like a child, like an asshole, like a failure and a success all at once. I felt forgiven...again.
Two weeks and three days later I am sad and tired. And sure enough God used someone that has made a home inside my soul to provide perspective. You know who you are and for whatever reason you are to know that I am with you. In fact I may need to make a trip on Friday, November 7th to see you.
Praises because when I am hurt, when I am angry, when I am hopeFULL, when I am sad, when I am joyFULL, when I am weak, when I am peaceFULL, when I am bitter - I will be faithFULL and praise HIM!!
I have not had the God-filter I have grown accustomed to since our return from the Rockies. In that time the project which inspired this blog was pulled. At the hour in which it was being uploaded to print, the "client" decided it was too risky and pulled it. The after-effects for those involved has been very much like a grieving process. People put themselves, their heart, their gifts, their faith and their hope into this work. They gave up weekends, they sacrificed and without warning their work was abandoned and disrespected. Clearly, I felt the loss too. It is done and I am certain God has a very "good for all of us" reason behind the decision.
I was left evaluating my character - a challenge indeed when anger and hurt dominate the mind. I really wanted to project grace and rise above the negative into understanding and wisdom. Two weeks later I found myself ...still pissed. Two weeks and two days later, in my frustration and confusion and with His help I was able to break through to my God-filter. He showed me that the enemy wanted me to stay mad. The enemy wanted me to believe my character has not changed, that I may as well just accept murky thoughts and lack of focus. And God told me directly not to wait another minute. In the middle of my workout, I was told to take the authority Jesus gave us when he died to send Satan back to hell. To un-invite and demand satan be evacuated from my mind.
After I followed this direction - it was as if I could see the spirit of confusion take off "like a bat out of hell" and my body fell down and wept. I was able to commune again with my Jesus. I was able to feel his care. And that feeling of safety, concern and love made me feel like a child, like an asshole, like a failure and a success all at once. I felt forgiven...again.
Two weeks and three days later I am sad and tired. And sure enough God used someone that has made a home inside my soul to provide perspective. You know who you are and for whatever reason you are to know that I am with you. In fact I may need to make a trip on Friday, November 7th to see you.
Praises because when I am hurt, when I am angry, when I am hopeFULL, when I am sad, when I am joyFULL, when I am weak, when I am peaceFULL, when I am bitter - I will be faithFULL and praise HIM!!
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